Birds of a Feather

I had a dream last night. I dreamed I was back in the intensive outpatient program that was in over the summer. I have many, many nightmares but this was not one of them. I felt at home. The women there understood me, they could relate with what I’ve gone through. They did not give me weird looks, shrugs or judgements. They did not tell me it was my fault.

Seems kind of counter-intuitive though. Of course I don’t want to go back in the sense that I don’t want to be that far gone again that they have to place me in a program. Yet at the same time, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the companionship, the comraderie. Girls, we are all fucked up but we’ll figure it out. We’ve got each other. No one is pointing any finger.

That’s how Jesus was. He ate with sinners. He didn’t push them away like the Christians now-a-days do. I don’t understand. I’ve grown up my whole life hearing how caring Christians are, how to place your hope in God and pray to him. And God’s people will gather and pray with you for that hedge of protection. Truth is though, no one in my church cares. My very own flesh and blood, who are deeply involved in the very same church have turned their backs on me. And what would they say if I told them that the druggees, “pyschos” and other abused women I met in rehab were the nicest people I’ve ever known.

They would faint away. They would label me as too far gone, a girl who wants to hang out with druggees. I never said anything about taking up drugs, and what if I did? One mistake doesn’t make me a bad person. These people aren’t bad people. They made a mistake, or perhaps it wasn’t even a mistake because they were totally unaware of it, but somehow they got hooked. Doesn’t the Bible say that all sins are the same in the eyes of the Lord? No one is perfect. Hypocritical Christians, can’t you see!

Nope. You are blind. And to you I’m the horrible one, telling the saints they have fallen. I’m not saying I’m a saint, far from it. As Paul says, I’m probably the worst of sinners. But why should you cast me out of the fold? I just want love, sympathy, hope. Everything the church says it can give and yet not too long ago my father was told he couldn’t serve communion because he wasn’t wearing a suit. What happened to the story of David? Man looks on the outward appearance but God looks on the heart. Preach all of it or none at all. If you are lukewarm, God will spit you out.

Ok, I went a little preachy there. I sound like one of them myself. I have all the Bible knowledge too, I can spew it write back at you. And yet, you can’t see the forest for the trees.

I feel so alone. I sometimes wonder if doing something crazy enough to get me back into outpatient, or even impatient might not be a comforting change. Yet I know that not the way to go. But what does that say for my church if I can entertain such ideas?

Oh, I forgot. It’s all my fault.

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Published in: on December 31, 2009 at 5:01 am  Leave a Comment  

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