I’ve Come Back Around

I have found myself here again, needing somewhere to vent. I doubt I will be here long before I seem to fall off the face of the earth again. I can never seem to be consistent with these things. Yet what does it really matter? It is for my benefit and no one elses, so I can update it when I feel like it. Right? Of course right.

And yet I feel the need to summarize what has happened since I last wrote…why? As if there was some audience “out there in the dark” that actually cared to read this.  This is month six in Texas. There are pros and cons to it of course. The biggest being I am still jobless. I don’t know why. I feel that I am so much smarter than many and yet I’m the one still collecting unemployment. Yes, I know it is a blessing that I at least have that.

I’m in, as Letty would say, “a funk.”  Probably the reason I am writing this, in my darkest moods I always come back to writing. I have taken my meds once in the last 3 weeks and I know that is not good and yet I can’t seem to gete myself to take them. I don’t know why. I’m just being illogical and stubborn but I don’t want to. I don’t want to be medicated. I want to be normal.

But without them….I slept in till 2pm today, my laptop has been broken for 2 weeks and I can’t get myself energized enough to do something about it. I have blown up at my mother for a very small offense and gotten far too upset about little things like being told I look insane in a picture.

I feel like a ping-pong ball going back and forth between religion and secularity. If that’s a word, I don’t know how to describe it simply. I was infuriated with myself for the things I did 2 weekends ago, knowing it was in line with the biblical principles I was raised on. Yet I talked myself into thinking that I wasn’t so upset about what I did but the fact that I had to hide it in order to look like a good Christian and I hated the deception.

So we had a retreat this weekend for church. The whole weekend was focused on the unity of the church body. How it is supposed to cry together, laugh together, help each other and lift one another up. The fact that seemed to keep staring me in the face was that I was being hypocritical, hating the very thing in others that I was doing myself. I seemed to think that it was the best decision to be open. And according to all that we had been told that weekend that was what was wanted.

However, I once again forgot others. Just because I did it, did not mean others would and now I feel transparent, out in the open and left to dry as everyone else continues to hide their troubles but laugh at mine. Well they may not be laughing but I still tend to think that. I imagine that they are saying to themselves, “Wow. Ok…well that girl is messed up.”

And although the guy that said I looked insane in the group picture doesn’t even know me or anything about me…it just brings back the fears that everyone knows I’m “crazy”, that I’m on anti-pyschotic, that I’ve been in mental health units….and I’m being judged, a girl interrupted.

I see betrayl around every corner. Why, when I thought I could trust those girls by telling them why I was taking sleeping pills, why did they think it would be funny to see how soundly I slept by dragging me around and pelting me with pillows. They think I don’t know all they did and said before I “woke up”. But its a sleeping pill…its seroquel…my mind was active before I could make my body respond. I know what they were doing but I couldn’t make them stop. Sound familiar? Yeah…brought back the very memories I was trying to erase by taking the sleeping pill.  Life is ironic.

And tonight is the youth group again…and I fear to go. I know no one probably wastes a second thought on me but it doesn’t stop my mind from spinning trying to decipher what people are thinking as they look at me.  However not to go would just confirm everyone’s suspicions that I am a horrible person.

On the outside looking in.

Published in: Uncategorized on November 16, 2010 at 10:24 pm  Leave a Comment  

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