Use Me or Sue Me

Sometimes I think no one really stops and ponders that I might have things I’m worried/sad/concerned about before the plow on ahead with their immediate troubles.

I think Tim ended up annoyed with me because I wasn’t able to come to Target with him like I said I would but he only gave me about 5 minutes warning and at the same time two different friends start texting me about issues they are having. I had to say no to someone. I hated to, I hate letting people down, I hate having them think I don’t care or that I’m irresponsible. Yet one had to go and he had the short straw.

Letty tells me she is proud of what I did at the retreat. I still don’t know. And she says I did it for myself, did I? Or did I do it please her? No, because I didn’t know it would please her…but…it didn’t do anything. Not there at the retreat, and not for me either. I still feel horrible, hypocritical and now I am just paranoid on top of it that everyone is secretly whispering about how god awful I must be. I wish the bookstore wasn’t half an hour away…I just want to go and peruse aimlessly like I always used to do when I’m troubled. I feel so trapped here. In this house and in this town. I could go to Target…but there’s not really anything I need there. I don’t need anything anywhere though, more accurately there’s nothing I want to look at there.

Why is the world so full of shit? Why are people so cruel? I can’t stand it. I thought I was a hard-hearted person and yet I keep getting hurt. I just want them to all go away. No, I don’t. I want my perception of them to go away. I want to be naive again. I want to be ok with living a hypocritical life because there doesn’t seem any other way to go. I hate being black and white. I hate b eing borderline if that is what makes me feel this way. Why do people say one thing and do another? Why does life cheat you of living?

Why do I bother?

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Published in: Uncategorized on November 19, 2010 at 8:35 pm  Leave a Comment  

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