Circling.

God,

I don’t really understand why you have to keep giving me these nightmares?  Honestly, isn’t the fact that the terrors once happened and that I’ve been through years of therapy, hospital stays, medication etc to get rid of the flashbacks…why do I need the dreams too? Its not fair. Why now, almost 5 years later am I still afraid to go to sleep….I don’t want to see his face.

And why the IBS too? I thought it was ok. It hasn’t been a problem for YEARS. Why is it now suddenly so bad? Why now when I don’t have a job and don’t really have health insurance? I know that you have plans beyond my knowledge but sometimes I feel like you stand there with a big checklist going, “Hmmm…what can we do to Jessi now?”

I know there are so many people out there who have so much less than I do and I try to remember that.  And yet its like the song lyrics “everything happens for a reason, but no wise words gonna stop the bleeding”.

Sometimes I feel so pathetic. Why am I crying over things that happened years ago? Why do I miss someone I never had the privilege of meeting? Is that even possible? Does she even exist if she was never born? I go around in circles, its a cycle I can never seem to fully break out of.

Some guy just told me a look like a walrus….Now I know that is not true but even so now I’m going to feel even worse. Hmmm. I think that means its time for bed.

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Published in: Uncategorized on November 22, 2010 at 11:42 pm  Leave a Comment  

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