I am borderline. No, it’s not the same as bi-polar. It’s not my moods, it’s my thought process. It’s not an excuse, it’s a reality. If it was an excuse I would tell everyone I meet my whole life story, but I don’t because that’s um…weird. Yet at times it’s just frustrating when people can’t understand, can’t relate.

I’m borderline. The term comes from them thinking that the disorder “bordered” on psychosis. In my opinion, it’s a horrible name because it is the exact opposite of what I feel. When I hear “borderline”, I think of straddling between two choices, one foot in one, one in the other like you do when you see the border marker of a country.

But I am borderline. I am black and white, all or nothing, one way or the other, “splitting” and all that crap.

I’m noticing it very prominently with guys. I hate them or I love them. I have no in-between and its killing any chance I have for a relationship.

Either I hate them….i.e. they are annoying, crass, disgusting, stupid a/o only out for the sex. I’m terrified of them and what they are capable of because of my past experiences. They touch me and I freak out, they compliment me and I feel harrassed.

Or

I’m enfatuated with them and not in a good way. I want them but physically and I don’t care what they will do to me or the consquences. Crazy? That’s why it’s called a “disorder”.

So I avoid them as much as I can….until I can’t take it any longer and end up getting myself in trouble and regretting my actions for days…well I always regret my actions but it consumes me completely for a few days. Irrational. Crazy.

So I’m looking at the DSM-IV diagnostic criteria right now…Why? I don’t know. Not like I don’t already know what it says…but still

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:  

  1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

  2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. 

  3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. 

  4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5. 

  5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior 

  6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). 

  7. chronic feelings of emptiness 

  8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) 

  9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

 

Maybe I should start taking the meds again…I’m just frustrated. I’m not nearly as bad as I was a year or two ago but

The sermon today was partly about how God says he will never leave you nor forsake you. I have such problems with that message and I hear it alot. Just as recently we have sang the same song at Journey and in church that says something to the effect of “I called out and you came to my rescue”  I can’t sing that, I just can’t. You can say God has a purpose and plan for everything that happens and I can accept that. I can see how things I have gone through has changed me for the better yet God didn’t rescue me when I called out.  He will never leave us? We can trust him? He is bigger than any adversary? He is our strong tower? etc. etc. How can I say that when I have memories of lying, tied to that bed, screaming in my head “God help me! God please, save me” 

Yes I am scared of the future, and of the unknown but I fail to see how knowing that God is in control will allow me peace. God is in control. Look at what He has let happen already, what will happen next?

It was just rough today. A couple with a small child sat in front of me. The little boy was beyond adorable, peeking over his father’s shoulder and smiling at me. Lying his head back down and I just kept thinking, after all that pain God why couldn’t you have at least given me that joy.  I started thinking of when I played Pharoah’s daughter in Moses, I had no idea then how to play that part. The longing and misery in some of those lines, I did them so pathetically. One came to mind when she hears Moses’ cry, “I’ve longed for a child so much, I am now hearing things”.  I feel like that. I’ve told my story to people, young girls, small groups etc. Hoping to save them the despair and pain. I talk about the rape, I talk about the depression, hospital stays, the sex binges but I almost never talk about Ava. Not even in therapy. I fear it’s crazy to miss someone you never really met. To be so obessessed by it. It’s the least understandable aspect, the least relateable.

And then since it’s almost Christmas, the Bible passage was the Annuciation…and so I cried.

I feel so alone. I want some one to hug long and hard. Someone who won’t take it the wrong way, someone I’m comfortable with, someone to cry to. I want Flan back, the way we used to be years ago when my biggest problems were Melis being mad at me for something ridiculous like taking the pizza delivery for Mrs. T….ha.

I guess this is in substitute of Letty this week. I wish I had told Curtis I couldn’t work Friday and taken that open slot. I think I needed it but at the same time I felt proud of myself that I didn’t take it. There was a time I would have called out of my real job, skipped classes and commitments and walk 2 miles in the snow for that ear…and I have. I was proud I didn’t, I felt it was a victory, a sign of maturity…but I’m not so sure now.

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Published in: on December 19, 2010 at 1:07 pm  Leave a Comment  

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