Creeping out of a low spot. Sometimes I don’t even realize I’ve been down until I start feeling better. Its such an endless cycle at times. Its kind of funny that it seems the things you put the most work into people dislike and the things you do on the fly get praise. But that was off topic.

I got my hair cut, cleaned up my craft stuff and plan to clean up my room tomorrow. Unfortunately, coming out of the slump means that I think and feel again. And tonight I miss those people I know it is better to forget. I miss Flan most of all. I keep telling myself I don’t really miss her, I miss who I thought she was but that doesn’t really help becausee both the fantasy and reality are gone. And they all say, “You are better off without her” but what do they know honestly, they are not me. How can they judge how I feel and what is better or worse for me? If I was doing something that effected my children or husband I can see where others have a right to discuss my actions but I have neither.

I’ve been watching The Sarah Jane Adventures. I like it as just a show but I think what really draws me to it is that Sarah Jane reminds me of Flan. Not like Flan is fighting aliens from her attic but something about her. Perhaps it was that relationship between Sarah Jane and Maria. Her best friend is a kid and she is torn. She loves her, but she knows its not a good thing for Maria.

I miss Anthony. I need someone to love, to hold, to pet. A boyfriend, a baby, maybe I should just get a dog lol.  I remember him falling asleep and just lying there in my arms. It was my favorite thing. He was like a cute little boy.

I miss Kathleen. I miss Stephanie. And it reminds me that if and when (hopefully) I move this summer I’ll leave Letty behind. Another one. 4 therapists in 3 years. And I haven’t left any of them because I wanted to, well except Ruth  but even then I didn’t have anything against her, just against staying in Princeton House. And I’ll have to start all over again.

I can’t wait to get out of here. I’ve had enough of being back with my family, of living in the middle of nowhere. The people here havent seen much of the world, either have in except by proxy but that seems to count for something. The lack of diversity of people, ideas, activities, etc down here is stifling. And I am doing nothing with myself, my life, my knowledge but sitting here and watching old tv shows. And people don’t understand that I have tried almost everything. They look at me disbelieving that if I really put my mind to it, I would have a job. I can hardly believe it myself but its a fact. I can’t get a job. I don’t know why or why not.

I sympathize with Van Gogh.

Perhaps fate/God/whatever restricts people like Van Gogh and so many other geniuses from succeeding in their lifetime so that they contiue to produce unsullied by fame and fortune and then are remember more fondly afterwards, not that that is much of a comfort unless you can look down from heaven. Of course in heaven one is not supposed to care for earthly glory. Now I’m just rambling.

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Published in: Uncategorized on February 26, 2011 at 10:04 pm  Leave a Comment  

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